Anxiety

With today being world mental health day, I thought I'd share with you a commonality between myself and my daughter (and her Turner Syndrome).....ANXIETY.

Anxiety is like a little creature nestled away in the corner of your mind, ready to rear it's ugly head at any given moment. You don't need to be feeling down for anxiety to take hold. You don't need to be stressed or anxious for a panic attack to occur-I've had one snuggled up under a warm blanket with a hot cuppa watching Saturday night TV.

More often than not my mind is full to bursting. I joke that I cannot cram any more in, that my head hurts. But it's NOT a joke. It's reality. Every day.

Today it goes something like this....... school run stress-finding a parking space, not being late,  baby not fed as much as normal, will school call again about my big girl being upset?  Money worries, always money worries, leaving the house in time to make it to bible study, baby feeding on time so I can leave the house for school pick up, big girl's health, always worry about big girl's health, no job, money worries as no job, can't keep up with the washing, ironing hasn't been done in an age, big girl needs a photo for school of her playing sport, big girl's hospital appointments, not locking the front door, baby's sleep, baby's poops, giving baby enough stimulation, husband's job, my car breaking down, husbands happiness, everyone's happiness, cleaning the house, ordering big girl's injections, reading big girl's most recent report from her most recent assessment, leaving the iron on, the dog running away on a walk, worse still the dog being stolen, my mobile being cut off, after her assessment-doing the suggested activities and exercises with big girl, washing the bed clothes, writing my CV, writing this post and sharing my struggles.... and that's just a snippet of what is in my head right now.

And that is minus my irrational thoughts-the ones I often dare not share for fear of judgement. The 'what if?' thoughts.... what if someone kidnaps my children? What if I die today and leave my children without a mother, my husband without a wife?

Much of the worries seem trivial. The 'what ifs' are HIGHLY unlikely. But to a sufferer-one with panic anxiety disorder-it's ALL important. It's all pressing. It's all exhausting.
I try and ground myself sometimes-there are people starving, homeless, caught up in the horror that is war, genocide. But it doesn't work. I worry more!

I'm soooooo tired. But not just physically, mentally and emotionally too.

That feeling of being on a treadmill when you can't keep up and you might fall off at any time. Only you don't fall off as you find enough energy to keep up, you have enough love and happiness in your life to make you want to keep up.

Busy places, chaos, I can't deal with it. Big cities are a no no. Shopping centres are overwhelming. Even the small, enclosed concrete playground require a like it or lump it approach at pick up time. How my husband longs to take me away for a city theatre break, like we used to in our younger days. But the money and crowds and potential threats? And the kids, I CAN'T leave the kids overnight! How I'd LOVE to be anxiety free.

I worry for my big girl. Anxiety is a family trait, it is a Turner Syndrome trait. She worries so much already-about who will pick her up, about friendships, about her hospital appointments, about her school book being changed as she's already read it twice, about when the boiler was last checked!

So do me a favour....when someone opens up to you and says that they suffer with anxiety, don't dismiss it. Don't dismiss them. Anxiety is real, and it's far bigger and far more crippling than you may have ever imagined. Far more of your friends and family suffer than you probably realise.



P.S. With the above in mind, I'm ok.  I really am. I function perfectly well on a day to day basis and I've worked within what is known to be a very stressful profession for the last ten years. 99% of the time I know how to deal with my anxiety. I know how to keep it in check. And that 1% of the time I can't, I know who is there to help me.