Anxiety

With today being world mental health day, I thought I'd share with you a commonality between myself and my daughter (and her Turner Syndrome).....ANXIETY.

Anxiety is like a little creature nestled away in the corner of your mind, ready to rear it's ugly head at any given moment. You don't need to be feeling down for anxiety to take hold. You don't need to be stressed or anxious for a panic attack to occur-I've had one snuggled up under a warm blanket with a hot cuppa watching Saturday night TV.

More often than not my mind is full to bursting. I joke that I cannot cram any more in, that my head hurts. But it's NOT a joke. It's reality. Every day.

Today it goes something like this....... school run stress-finding a parking space, not being late,  baby not fed as much as normal, will school call again about my big girl being upset?  Money worries, always money worries, leaving the house in time to make it to bible study, baby feeding on time so I can leave the house for school pick up, big girl's health, always worry about big girl's health, no job, money worries as no job, can't keep up with the washing, ironing hasn't been done in an age, big girl needs a photo for school of her playing sport, big girl's hospital appointments, not locking the front door, baby's sleep, baby's poops, giving baby enough stimulation, husband's job, my car breaking down, husbands happiness, everyone's happiness, cleaning the house, ordering big girl's injections, reading big girl's most recent report from her most recent assessment, leaving the iron on, the dog running away on a walk, worse still the dog being stolen, my mobile being cut off, after her assessment-doing the suggested activities and exercises with big girl, washing the bed clothes, writing my CV, writing this post and sharing my struggles.... and that's just a snippet of what is in my head right now.

And that is minus my irrational thoughts-the ones I often dare not share for fear of judgement. The 'what if?' thoughts.... what if someone kidnaps my children? What if I die today and leave my children without a mother, my husband without a wife?

Much of the worries seem trivial. The 'what ifs' are HIGHLY unlikely. But to a sufferer-one with panic anxiety disorder-it's ALL important. It's all pressing. It's all exhausting.
I try and ground myself sometimes-there are people starving, homeless, caught up in the horror that is war, genocide. But it doesn't work. I worry more!

I'm soooooo tired. But not just physically, mentally and emotionally too.

That feeling of being on a treadmill when you can't keep up and you might fall off at any time. Only you don't fall off as you find enough energy to keep up, you have enough love and happiness in your life to make you want to keep up.

Busy places, chaos, I can't deal with it. Big cities are a no no. Shopping centres are overwhelming. Even the small, enclosed concrete playground require a like it or lump it approach at pick up time. How my husband longs to take me away for a city theatre break, like we used to in our younger days. But the money and crowds and potential threats? And the kids, I CAN'T leave the kids overnight! How I'd LOVE to be anxiety free.

I worry for my big girl. Anxiety is a family trait, it is a Turner Syndrome trait. She worries so much already-about who will pick her up, about friendships, about her hospital appointments, about her school book being changed as she's already read it twice, about when the boiler was last checked!

So do me a favour....when someone opens up to you and says that they suffer with anxiety, don't dismiss it. Don't dismiss them. Anxiety is real, and it's far bigger and far more crippling than you may have ever imagined. Far more of your friends and family suffer than you probably realise.



P.S. With the above in mind, I'm ok.  I really am. I function perfectly well on a day to day basis and I've worked within what is known to be a very stressful profession for the last ten years. 99% of the time I know how to deal with my anxiety. I know how to keep it in check. And that 1% of the time I can't, I know who is there to help me. 

When did we last have our boiler checked?

Nope that wasn't a question from hubby to myself, or vica versa. It was infact the topic of conversation initiated by G during Sunday lunch this weekend!
I'm sure sometimes that she is four going on forty....

She also declared during one of our numerous car journeys that when people fall out they should just say sorry at exactly the same time and go back to being friends.
When did she get so grown up? So wise? So anxious about the state of our boiler!!
When she needs or wants something, such as a new car seat, she asks if we'll have enough money left over from daddy's wages. Even offering to use her own money. When did she become so thoughtful?

Often we forget that our mini babes are like sponges, they soak up everything around them. The good, the bad, and the rest.

I THINK I'D RATHER STAY AT HOME WITH YOU AND H TODAY....
Oh babe, school doesn't work like that, you can't just pick and choose!
Four weeks in and she's loving school. But she's shattered. She's caught every germ going, doesn't have the greatest attendance rate already and has even had a brief stint in hospital. It sure is knocking the stuffing out of her.

CONFERENCE TIME!!
It's nearly upon us, the annual visit to the best gig in town-the annual Turner Syndrome Support Society conference. I know I say it every year, but it's the one place I (as a TS mum) feel truly at home. We are looking forward to an action packed couple of days, though perhaps not so much looking forward to hours and hours on the M6 with a young baby.

APPOINTMENT UPDATE
So the eagerly awaited endocrine appointment to asses the impact of her growth hormone was, wait for it, cancelled. Hmm. Can't be helped I guess! Now to chase up a replacement appointment.

Physiotherapy was more successful-firstly it wasn't  cancelled, and secondly she doesn't need physio!! Her initial assessment led to some rather surprising results: no balance or coordination issues, good muscle tone, surprising physical strength and good body control. Who'd have thought? She's the clumsiest child going!

Tomorrow sees G attend an hour long occupational therapy assessment. A number of issues to be explored include:
Taste and texture, sensitivity to noise, sensitity to clothing and labels, fine motor skills, mini obsessions, need for routine.... the list is endless, and may amount to something, or nothing.

As always we are so blessed with the care we get from the NHS. Recently I saw a US Turner syndrome post regarding the cost of growth hormone in the US... nearly 26,000 dollars for ten months worth of hormone. MAN ALIVE how lucky we are to get the ESSENTIALS for our girls on the NHS. 

And on that note it's time for me and H to run-G's harvest festival service commences in 30 minutes and I'm a total stress head when it comes to school mum related activities (primarily getting there on time and parking!).